Confidential 

13th December 2019

Dear Donald, 

‘In aqua et vagina victoriam’’ as my old housemaster used to say after several ales in the back bar of ‘The Nanny and Spanker’ in Windsor.

Just thought I’d run my victory speech past you, as I so admire your erudition and clarity and wit.

“Good morning Britain! Well we have only gone and done it. May I thank all of the ‘angels in marble’ who came out to vote for us following a hard fought campaign. I may have avoided interviews, hiding in fridges, being replaced by ice sculptures but you, the Great British public will not be fooled. You do not need detailed statistics, which quite frankly are quite boring. Instead you trust me when I make my promises to you. If say 50,000 more nurses, that is all you need to know. Simple is it not? 

I would also like to thank the owners and editors of the Sun, Express, Mail, Telegraph and Times and even the Guardian for their relentless and tireless campaign over the last three years to discredit Corbyn. You were not held back by trivia such as validity – you clearly stated your core values and successfully applied labels such as extremist, marxist and terrorist antisemite without blushing. You also relentlessly targeted immigrants and other ne’er do wells over the decades, in order to safeguard our white christian heritage. 

I’d like to thank the broadcast media for their support and lack of tiresome scrutiny over piffling details, for which I am eternally grateful. I’d like to praise you all for accepting without question my assumptions and prejudices which some wilfully label ‘bourgeois’ but which I think are common sense. A special thanks to Laura for her sneering at Corbyn. 

A special mention must go to my billionaire friends who continue to bankroll our party. Without you we could not pay for all of the ‘information’ and cultural messages we put out there. 

I’d like to thank Dom for coming up with the strategy of ‘bore them to death with ‘Get Brexit done’ a slogan so devoid of meaning and yet so easy to just keep repeating until they glaze over. The last three years may have been tricky but they at least laid the foundation for the public’s complete and utter boredom and frustration over Brexit. 

I’d like to thank Jacob Rees-Mogg for staying at home under the duvet counting his money and to Govey for not being too much of a c*nt. 

To the working class in the North and Midlands who have lent me your vote. Without your alienation and disengagement and distrust of all politicians over the last three decades I could not have sold you the idea that I, a privileged Etonian, have your interests at heart and that all of your experiences are the EU’s faults and of course of those “coming over here….” 

Special thanks goes to Blair and Brown, and their New Labour project, and their acolytes still in the Labour Party, for without your failures to address working class concerns we would not be able to argue that we are the answer. Your continued belligerence from within Labour to completely undermine Corbyn at every turn is gratefully received. 

I’d like to thank the concept of ‘globalised neoliberalism’ for being so obtuse that no one knows what it means, so that when jobs and work become ‘flexible’ simply no one understands, except to think that it a ‘good thing’

To the Great British Public. I’d like to thank you for accepting our story about the Labour Party crashing the Economy in 2010 while forgetting it was caused by the financial sector. I’d like to thank Jonathan Haidt for reminding us to tap into deep seated fears and to stoke up feelings about authority, sanctity and loyalty to the Crown, Empire and the social hierarchy. 

To non voters, nearly 33% of you, I am most grateful you could not be bothered. So a special mention to apathy, alienation, disillusionment, disengagement and distrust. 

To the Remain camp – your splits and divisions have been most helpful. Your vote share was higher than mine but you clearly managed to split it between you. Many thanks indeed. To Jo Swinson…f*ck me, what a blinder….fabulous line about you being PM and unilaterally going for Remain without a vote. Have you ever been to Workington?

To my friends in the Brexit Party. What a masterstroke, you managed to do two seemingly impossible things. You were both unattractive enough (some of you literally unattractive) to send Hard Brexit votes my way, while also being sufficiently attractive to receive votes from Hard Brexit Labour voters. Brilliant. It’s as if you offered a dog turd that looked like both a dog turd or a walnut whip depending on what light you shone on it.

To Jeremy Corbyn. Your naïveté in thinking that being a decent human being, that charisma is not essential, actually works. I thank you for not being on ‘Have I Got News For You” and for your past attempts at peace making and standing up for Palestinian rights was a total gift to those who can spin this into disloyalty and treason. Also for not telling us to f*ck off over the Jew stuff, we knew it was bollocks but we played it anyway. 

Finally I’d like to thank the First Past the Post system for delivering a majority of the seats on a minority of the votes. Along with the Brexit Party we gained 45.6% of the votes cast, while the remainers got 49.5% ! Brilliant. So on 29% of all voters we get a big majority. 

To Britain, “you’re my wife now”.

Yours 

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.