Confidential 

26th November 2019

Dear Donald, 

‘E Pluribus Unem’ as my old housemaster used to say after several ales in the back bar of ‘The Nanny and Spanker’ in Windsor.

Well, bugger me senseless, its working! You were right. The old adage is true about truth and its boots. Being somewhat loose with the actualité is both liberating and useful. The ends justify the means eh? By the time the duffers at Factcheck get around to it, we have already pretended to be them, got our issue on the agenda, and everyone talking about the ‘dead cat’ thats just been flung into the room. 

I’ve not had to defend our record or have our plans scrutinised because they are all talking about fake videos, fake twitter accounts and duffers like Nicky Morgan looking like a coked up rabbit with a loose anus staring into the lights of an oncoming freight train, and blathering bollocks about nurse numbers which are clearly false. It does not matter, it really does not. I’m 12 points in the lead and no one seems to care! 

I’m going on NewsNight later to talk about ‘pussy grabbing’, except I’ll use a more Anglicised term such as ‘gusset sniffing’. I cannot thank you enough for leading the way. I need some pussy right now methinks in celebration (don’t tell Carrie..wink). 

Yours 

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. 

PS Give Vlad my regards…great job!