(Thanks to John Le Carré’s ‘The Secret Pilgrim’ p 403-404 2011 penguin Edition)

Confidential 

12th November 2019

Dear Dom,

“Ipso facto delirium” as my old housemaster used to say to no one in particular after a few after session ales in the ‘Dog and Bastard’ in Windsor. 

I note that a few troublesome academics have been at it ‘studying’ again, trying to undermine the ‘jew-hater’ stuff we’ve been putting about with our friends in the press. Thankfully, a few ‘facts’ do not appear to be troubling the conscience of the great thick unwashed in their concrete hovels or leafy suburbs. Their book ‘Bad News for Labour’ detailing the sloppy journalism, and bias in the media, has been sidelined and ignored. And our Russian connections have been put to bed. Who do they think we are, Cold War warriors? 

But it was with a little dismay that I have been accused of covering up our Russian friends’ associations as well as stirring up the jew stuff and flinging it about like a Scotsman flings his tartan testicles around during a highly vigorous sword dance at the Palace. In reply, I’m thinking of giving a short press release, which goes like this:

“I’m sorry, did I understand that you were appealing to my conscience? Point One. There is actually only one point actually. I don’t give a fart.  The difference between me and others is I admit it. If a horde of piccaninnies with watermelon smiles and a six-inch knife – yes I said piccaninnies – stab each other tomorrow, great news by me. If a billionaire makes another billion on the back of the tax breaks I give ‘em, fine by me. Government used to understand that, if they’ve gone soft, tough titty on them. Point Two. Question: heard what the tobacco boys are up to these days? Flogging off high toxic tobacco to the fuzzy-wuzzies and telling ’em it makes ‘em horny and cures the common cold. Tobacco boys give a fart? Sit at home having nervous breakdowns about spreading lung cancer among the natives? The fuck they do. Heard what the property developers are up to? Buying up land, hoarding it until the price is right, and building investments for the ultra-rich in Saudi or Russia. They give a stuff about the knocked up bint on a council estate who can’t afford to pay the rent? Do they fuck. Take the fast-food boys stuffing their products with fat, sugar and calories, piling it high and selling it cheap. If willing seller is doing business with willing buyer who does not have the common sense to shop at Waitrose, bloody good luck to ‘em. If drugs don’t kill ‘em, the atmosphere will, or they’ll get barbecued by global warming. 

I’m British and rather proud of it. Also rather proud of one’s school. Empire man. Happens to be the tradition one’s inherited. When people get in one’s way, I break ‘em or fuck ‘em if they are wearing a skirt. Discipline is rather up one’s tree too, actually. Order. Can’t make money with disorder in the streets. Accepting one’s responsibilities of one’s class and education, and beating the foreigner at his own game. 

Pompous, you are thinking. Alright. I’m pompous. but I’ve a right to be. I’m just that little bit cleverer, a little bit more ruthless and a little bit more charismatic. Fuck you. I’m a top cornflake, an Alpha, I’m Pharaoh. Right? If a few thousand prols have to die so that I can build this pyramid, that’s nature. And if they make me die for their fucking pyramid, bloody good on ‘em. 

Know what I’ve got in my cellar? Iron Rings. Rusty iron rings built into the walls when the house was built. Know what they are for? Slaves. That’s nature too. Original owner of the house, that man owned slaves and had his slave quarters in the cellar of the house. How the actual fuck do you think Bristol. Liverpool and London got built? Think there are not slaves today? Think Capital does not rely on wage slaves?  Jesus Christ on a bike! One doesn’t normally talk philosophy, but I’m afraid one doesn’t like being preached to either. Won’t have it you see? One does have a rather view of nature; one gives work to people and one takes one’s share…and if I have to smear the opposition with a thick sticky veneer of jew hating excrement to keep doing it, then I will. Its dog eat dog and the devil take the hindmost”.  

What do you think, Radio 4 or BBC Breakfast? 

Yours 

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. 

PS Jacob thinks this is terrific.