9th November 2019

Dear Vladimir, 

“Dolce et decorum est” as my old housemaster used to say before administering a good caning to any boy who had the temerity to question his ability to teach. 

It is a little inconvenient that our chaps in the Intelligence Committee have written a report into the possibility that your chaps have been up to something involving cash, votes, cyber stuff and Brexit.

Our two countries have not always seen eye to eye, that is true. In this instance, however, I consider the close relationship we have nurtured necessarily in secret will reap rewards counted in the billions. I am being pressed into publishing the report before December 12th, but rest assured our little secret will remain so. 

Meanwhile, may I personally thank you for the top-notch vodka, the caviar and the use of your Dacha. I must say I found that dashed pretty little thing Svetlana most ‘comforting.’ She did things with her tongue and middle finger and that would make even a Russian bear blush, lubrication notwithstanding. 


Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. 

PS Dom says don’t worry, we’ll “Get Brexit Done” for you.