Confidential 

8th November 2019

Dear Jacob,

Oh dear. That turned out to be a car crash did it not? “Felinius es ex Sacculi” as my old housemaster used to say after being overheard discussing the finer points of sodomy after dinner in the Carlton. 

Look, we all know that most people are stupid, the ‘bottom cornflakes’ who could no more rise to the top of the packet than a turd in the grease and fag stained toilet in a seedy back street Scottish pub could rise as the sun upon a new golden age. It’s not your fault, the truth will sometimes slip out. That dunce, Budget? Bredger? Should have just kept his quisling grammar school gob shut rather than trying to explain away the obvious. 

The great unwashed are just not ready for the truth. We, the guardians of the nation’s treasury and moral rectitude, must play clever and not just be clever. It was of course unfortunate that Grenfell went up as it did, but well done for not falling into the trap of discussing housing policy, council cuts or building regulations. You successfully put the spotlight back onto the people, and at the same time reminded them who the clever ones are. 

Yours 

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. 

PS Dom says “f*ck ‘em”