28th October 2019

Dear Norfolk County Council,

May I say I very much admire your fair county, notwithstanding hosting the Monarchy at Sandringham, your countryside provides some of the best views in the country.  I’ve always loved the broads and the fenland…yes the fenland with its plethora of windmills, its huge skies and of course, its..um..ditches. 

To the matter at hand. It is nearly ‘All Hallows Eve’ and to be honest, ‘Ego Sum Fornicatius per Rectum’ as my old housemaster used to say after several ales in the back bar of ‘The Nanny and Spanker’ in Windsor. 

Let’s, er.. um , yes..yes cut to the chase shall we? No more dilly dallying around the subject…

As you no doubt have a surfeit of fenland ditches, would it possible to make one available for me to jump into. Well, not me actually, but a body double just to keep the Trots happy at the Grauniad. I of course will be fathoms up some filly or three, but don’t tell the wife, er um yes, I mean Carrie of course, lovely little thing and dashed spankable, but I digress. 

So, if you would by return if possible so that we can ‘in vino veritas’ as soon as. 

Yours 

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson – or ‘Boris’ to his chums. 

PS Cummings said ”Where the f*ck is Norfolk?” But I soon corrected him. Tally ho.